Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why I Hate Little Children

I don't know where this notion came from... that if you don't have children there is something very wrong with you, or you are incredibly sad about it. My childlessness is deliberate and a source of happiness. I didn't want kids. I didn't have kids. Mission accomplished.

I have friends who are very aggravated by this. They have kids, and their kids like me. I know... what the hell gives there? But not wanting to bring rugrats into the world by way of my own brat-chute doesn't mean I hate kids.

Although... it's kind of fun to answer the question that way. And I do. When stupid people coo sadly at me and say "oooh, can you not have them?" Well yes, I can take birth control and damned well not have a whole brood of demons. Or I get "don't you want little ones of your own?" Umm... they don't come with a return slip. No. But what I say is, "I hate children. Can't stand them. Babies? Nope. Hate em. Would leave them in snowbanks if I could get away with it."

There are usually kids around when I say this crap, and they are very reliable about laughing. Because kids like me. Not sure why.

And I do like kids. I like the ones I can return when they get on my last nerve. I like buying them stuff their parents can't afford. I like taking them to the movies when mum and dad are a heartbeat away from something that would result in DYS intervention. It's a good excuse to see Tooth Fairy, drool over The Rock in a tutu, and pretend it was all for the kids.

Plus I love that the kids are smarter than the adults asking the stupid question. Like the other day, my five year old nephew was with me when I threatened him. He knows I'm kidding, but I think the lady at the theater was trying to dial social services in her pocket so I couldn't see her. I think I scared her a little. The rugrat was making me nuts, so I told him to knock it off. It went like this:

Me: Cut it out or we're leaving.
Brat: You already bought the tickets.
Me: I'll leave anyway.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: Willto.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: Willto.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: You want me to put you in the garbage disposal when we get home? Remember what happened to Kitty?
Brat: Shut up.
Me: YOU shut up.
Brat: No, YOU.

Yeah, the uptight lady was a little freaked, I think. But the kid snickered at me. I've rotted his brain... he thinks like me now. May explain why, when we were trying to leave two hours later, he yelled at the car in front of me "GIVE US A BREAK AND GET YER NOSE OUT THERE, MAN!!"

Right. Give us a break!

7 comments ]:[ Add your comment:

Rhonda Stapleton said...




hilarious. you kill me.

Rhonda said...

LOL!!! You're too funny and too right on. I have no children of my own and no intention of having children of my own. Why is it so hard for people to understand that? It's not that I don't like kids. I actually like them quite a lot. It's because I like them that I know that my short tempered, easily frustrated, loner type self cannot be the type of mother a child deserves!

I love my nephews and my neice. I love spoiling them rotten, loving on them, cuddling them and then sending them to mom and dad when they get tired, cranky, too hopped up on whatever sugar I've given them, etc. Then? I can go home to my nice quiet space where I can flop on the couch, watch whatever I want to on tv and not have to deal w/ kids.

I also love my step-daughter who is with us part time (being a part-time parent is actually super fab for someone like me). You think you got looks at the theater? A few years ago I was with my step-daughter (then 14) at a store. She wanted to go off and look at the music section so I told her to go and as she was leaving I said "be careful, don't go wandering and remember what I told you about candy and strangers."

Without missing a beat she called back "yeah, don't take the candy unless it's really good chocolate and there's enough for you!"

There were several people who, I'm sure, we ready to call child protective services on me. :) I just smiled and thought "that's my girl!"

bettie said...

Great post. So funny and exactly what I want to say to all they nosy people who ask why I don't have kids. I love kids you can give back when they start to hit the sugar low from all the churros and cotton candy you bought them at Disneyland.

Anonymous said...

oh gee! you had me choking on my Tuscan sandwich at 'brat-chute'
I will never look at my va-jay-jay the same way again...

I do have kids, and even I sometimes don't like em.

Seriously, I love them to death, but there are times you just need to return them...

(i sound appalling, but you get me.)

Anonymous said...

Don't tell anyone, but both my kids were accidents. :) I know, easy cop-out, but true nonetheless. I love them, but I highly doubt I'd have done it on purpose. And I truly DO dislike other people's kids. There, I said it :)

Charlotte McClain said...

I used to have to explain to people that I decided everyday not to have kids when I took my pill in the morning. They still didn't get it. Especially when I went to Korea and taught 5 year olds and loved them to death.

Donna said...

Like you, I don't want kids. Didn't have kids. Mission accomplished.

Not having kids was a deliberate life decision for me, same as deciding to stay single.

Before she passed away, my mother nagged me constantly about giving her more grandchildren. Bro had done his part, and she wanted me to step up to the plate.

My response: "Look, I won't get a dog or cat because I know I wouldn't REALLY take care of it the way I should. Oh, I wouldn't abuse or starve it, but I know I wouldn't give it the attention it deserves. Now, if I won't even get a dog, what makes you think I should become a mother?"

And to those who say, "Oh, but once you have a child of your own, all that changes." I say, "What if it doesn't? It's not like I can take the poor kid back and say 'Sorry, it didn't work out.'"

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