Why I Hate Little Children

I don't know where this notion came from... that if you don't have children there is something very wrong with you, or you are incredibly sad about it. My childlessness is deliberate and a source of happiness. I didn't want kids. I didn't have kids. Mission accomplished.

I have friends who are very aggravated by this. They have kids, and their kids like me. I know... what the hell gives there? But not wanting to bring rugrats into the world by way of my own brat-chute doesn't mean I hate kids.

Although... it's kind of fun to answer the question that way. And I do. When stupid people coo sadly at me and say "oooh, can you not have them?" Well yes, I can take birth control and damned well not have a whole brood of demons. Or I get "don't you want little ones of your own?" Umm... they don't come with a return slip. No. But what I say is, "I hate children. Can't stand them. Babies? Nope. Hate em. Would leave them in snowbanks if I could get away with it."

There are usually kids around when I say this crap, and they are very reliable about laughing. Because kids like me. Not sure why.

And I do like kids. I like the ones I can return when they get on my last nerve. I like buying them stuff their parents can't afford. I like taking them to the movies when mum and dad are a heartbeat away from something that would result in DYS intervention. It's a good excuse to see Tooth Fairy, drool over The Rock in a tutu, and pretend it was all for the kids.

Plus I love that the kids are smarter than the adults asking the stupid question. Like the other day, my five year old nephew was with me when I threatened him. He knows I'm kidding, but I think the lady at the theater was trying to dial social services in her pocket so I couldn't see her. I think I scared her a little. The rugrat was making me nuts, so I told him to knock it off. It went like this:

Me: Cut it out or we're leaving.
Brat: You already bought the tickets.
Me: I'll leave anyway.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: Willto.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: Willto.
Brat: Noyawon't.
Me: You want me to put you in the garbage disposal when we get home? Remember what happened to Kitty?
Brat: Shut up.
Me: YOU shut up.
Brat: No, YOU.

Yeah, the uptight lady was a little freaked, I think. But the kid snickered at me. I've rotted his brain... he thinks like me now. May explain why, when we were trying to leave two hours later, he yelled at the car in front of me "GIVE US A BREAK AND GET YER NOSE OUT THERE, MAN!!"

Right. Give us a break!