Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Flame War Template*

flame-war

Writers are busy.  Many professionals are. So how on earth can we find time to engage in flame wars?

Now you can participate without the bother of thinking, clicking links, or even typing responses.

How?

With my simple FLAME WAR TEMPLATE!

The FLAME WAR TEMPLATE will be coming soon to amazon, and will be available for download at the incredibly low price of $19.95.  What do you get?

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO PARTICIPATE IN A FLAME WAR!

The standard responses required to taunt other users, like: 

That’s so typical of you. We’re all getting tired of the way you start trouble. Check your facts:

http://www.holierthanthou.com
http://www.sanctimonius.com
http://www.pedanticbs.com

And HERE is why you should be killed for expressing that AWFUL opinion:
http://www.rootofallevil.com

Standard retorts:

I love how you think those links are meaningful when they clearly are not. I took the time to do ACTUAL RESEARCH and you may want to look at the following:

http://www.wayholierthanthou.com
http://www.moresanctimonius.com
http://www.extrapedanticbs.com

Frankly, violence and threats are typical of you.  Get therapy:

http://www.armchair-psychology.com/yourissue

And you’re going to need things like the standard PM from chicken-shit users:

It’s not fair to attack <YOURNAME>. I don’t necessarily agree with <him/her>, but

“We’re all getting tired of the way you start trouble.”

That just isn’t true. I like you, <OriginalPoster>, but remember the thread from the last flame war, where you said:

Completely contradictory quote from previous dust-up.”

I really think you are the pot calling the kettle black. No offense.

Of course, you’ll need SUPER SECRET supporters, too!  We include private message paste-ins at no extra charge:

OMG <YourName> we all hate <OriginalPoster>, but she’s best friends with <Administrator/Owner> and there was no way I was getting into it with her.

I’m so sorry!  Give me your cell? We can talk.

I also have something to tell you about <Administrator/Owner> and <OriginalPoster> and that <slut/creep>. At the last <Convention/Barbeque>? OMG!

Finally, as an extra bonus, you will also receive a standard, outraged-response from the Owner and/or Admin. No flame war is complete until he or she sends it:

Dear <YourName>,

As you know, I have worked VERY hard to sign up for this free bulletin board on the internet.  It took three days to pick the color scheme. I have paid, at great expense, the domain fees each year with the blood, sweat, and tears of  begging members to donate via paypal. I work arduously by appointing OPS who are terrified to do anything but agree with me. And I poured my soul into this online community by attending meet-ups where suck-ups travel long distances to cheap hotels just for the privilege of buying me drinks and back-stabbing others.

If you think this is something I take lightly, you are mistaken. This board is my life. I NEGLECTED MY CHILDREN AND SUFFERED A DIVORCE FOR THIS BOARD!!!

If you continue to taunt <OriginalPoster>, who babysat my kids while I was drinking at the last forum bash out of her sheer dedication and love for this community, you will be banned. <OriginalPoster> has given his/her time, energy, and several bottles of wine to the greater good. I will not see him/her treated with blatant honesty and uncensored common sense.

Yours,   <Owner/Admin>

Save time, money, and aggravation!  Avoid contact with actual people who are incapable of reasonable exchanges!  For under $20.00 you can get your life BACK! 

*The Flame War Template was created to save time and energy, but should not be used by inexperienced readers. Exposure to flame or water may cause electric shock. Not for use with IRC chat rooms or twitter. Do not expose Flame War Template to direct sunlight. Excessive use has been shown to cause vision problems in lab rats.  If vomiting, dizziness, or rash appear contact a physician immediately. Not responsible for genital shrinkage.

1 comments ]:[ Add your comment:

Maria said...

I know every person in this fake world.

You're scaring me Olie.

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