Pyrotechnics and Other Junk

So… a local tv channel claims that a certain other town has the best July 4th celebration.

Look... safety and tax sponsored activities aside... how can you possibly top watching a moron set himself on fire, run around like a chicken sans-noggin, and hurl himself into the harbor to avoid the illegal fireworks fine he'll pay if he has to call 911 and tip off the authorities?

I'm callin' BS and sticking with Marshvegas, home of hot dogs and beer, mom and apple pie, and third degree burns for our summer enjoyment.  Yeah, find the drawer your wife hid your testicles in, screw em back on, and man up, Duxbury!

It’s tradition, people. Nobody LIKES it, but SOMEBODY has to get set on fire.  Deal with it!