Get Up

There are a few things I do that keep me going, even on the bad days. The funny thing is, I've come to understand that these small acts of self-empowerment make bad days good, and nearly-intolerable days tolerable. Sometimes they even lead to revelations.

On the days when I wake up feeling that incredible urge to go fetal, cover my head with a blanket, and cry, three things sustain me. Even if I'm in incredible pain or incredible discomfort, even if I've had emotional blows and feel overcome, three things will move me out of the cocoon of my bed:

1. Ahmed loves me and he's depending on me to suck it up. And if I don't suck it up I can't be with him and enjoy him.

2. Max has his face pressed against my shoulder, side, or leg. His donut-tail is wiggling, and he's looking up at me with those chocolate kiss eyes to say "we're going, yes?" It's his version of a morning hug and kiss. I swear he learned it by watching his dad, who also presses his face against my neck and gives a very damp sigh. It should be gross but it's magic.

3. I. CAN. GET. UP.

Getting up has proved to be my final act of defiance, my greatest solace, and my finest achievement. I get up. It sounds trivial, and will absolutely be lost on some. So what. Yet when you have been, on many occasions, completely unable to move, it's a huge deal. When you're like me-- somewhat hyper and easily bored-- being bed-bound or house-bound is torture. So no matter what my doctors tell me, I always give them one ultimatum. I may take it easy, but my daily routine is NON-NEGOTIABLE. I get up EVERY day unless I am in a coma. I take Max to the post office, Starbucks, and if there is a vital errand to run I feel capable of completing, we fit that in. I do it every day. When I stop doing it we can talk funeral arrangements.

My will is made out. I've got a living will, too. I have made clear what I want when the time comes. But as long as I am getting my ass out of bed and doing two things, minimum, with my little dog cheering me on, we're not there yet.

Lately, what with Venus being retrograde and Jupiter playing similar games, and with summer smothering me like a hot, wet blanket... well, lately the getting up thing hasn't been as easy. I do it, though, and here's how it always rewards me...

Yesterday I blew through the drive-through at Starbucks and one of the kids who works there said goodbye to me. She was going off to college. I was thrilled for her and blushingly pleased to get a kiss on the cheek (through the window, no less) and a genuine thank-you for extra tips, free college application advice, and a letter of recommendation for a scholarship over a year ago. I carried that like a lemon drop in my pocket for the rest of the day.

Today I was leaving the pharmacy, came out into the parking lot, and found a kid standing next to the car, holding his hand against the window, where Max was licking the glass. I had left him there with the engine running and AC on while I ran in to pick up meds. Too hot to leave the engine off and windows down. The kid turned around and I recognized him as a former student. He recognized me as I went inside and waited for me to tell me he'd been hired at the Providence Journal and was leaving the area. My eyes filled with tears as he told me "you're the reason I wanted to be a writer." He held out his keys, showed me the keychain I had given him many years earlier: it was the little Conjunction Junction conductor dude (I used to know his name, but forgot it) from Schoolhouse Rock. The thing was dingy from age, but there he was in his little overalls.

Warmest of all possible fuzzies!

These are my rewards. These are my blessings. These are the moments of pure, unadulterated joy that keep me going. If I stay down... if I let Pulmonary Fibrosis, life, depression, anger, or anything else keep me down, I lose. I give in, waste time, and miss out on whatever little surprise the universe has tucked away for me that day. There is always something. If you get up... if you force your negativity to back off and stalk past it with determination while it snickers, you will find rewards waiting. The sun comes up every day, and scurries through the sky with darkness behind it, closing in. Darkness will come. But so will the next dawn.

Get up. You never know what's waiting. Whatever it is will make getting up worth the effort.