Saturday, January 05, 2013

2013: The Annual List of Demands


Those who know me well are aware that I do not make resolutions at the dawn of a new year. I submit an annual list of demands, and resolve to be an absolute bitch about anyone who refuses to comply.

Here is the 2013 List.

Resistance, for what it’s worth, is futile.

  1. Errands are done once. If you screw up, forget, or are otherwise irresponsible about your meds at the pharmacy, wants from the grocery store, or any other nitpicky bit of nonsense, tough.
  2. Trips to the ER will take place during the week and prior to bed time unless you are bleeding from an orifice badly enough that I can see it, are not conscious and pass the stick-poking test, or have been significantly mauled by a non-domesticated animal.
  3. Use my cookware without returning it to the condition in which you find it and you get no food prepared or purchased by me until you have returned it to a state found acceptable by me, or replaced it.
  4. I share everything I buy. If Ahmed bought something for me it is to be considered a personal gift to remain completely untouched without invitation. That includes food, drinks, DVDs, or anything else.
  5. My newspapers, flyers, magazines, and even junk mail are free for everyone to peruse AFTER I HAVE DONE SO. Until I have perused, they are off-limits. Don’t even move them.
  6. If I am interrupted while speaking I will never repeat what I was saying to the interrupter. If I was attempting to announce a nuclear bomb, you are on your own finding the shelter and the iodine tablets. Listen next time.

Have a safe and happy 2013. Compliance with the above is your first step.

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